I was thinking the other day how most of the time we can't see the paths laid out before us. Like much of our lives comes from decisions we don't choose. Some decisions are ours, like we can choose whether or not we go to college and where we go, what we eat for dinner, where we vacation, but even some of that is beyond us. Maybe we don't get into the college we wanted or maybe our budget limits where we go on vacation or even whether we can even go to college. Many of our decisions are decided or at least constrained by fate. Sometimes our decisions are framed by others, by family, friends, partners, etc.; what they decide affects us also. Most of the years up until we are eighteen are framed by large decisions not completely our own.
I was thinking this because right now I can see how things would be if I went a certain way in my life; I can see what my life will become. And I think that's weird and it's rare because most of the time we don't really actively get to see and decide upon our live paths, we just make decisions and have decisions in our lives made for us by whatever makes up the universe and by those in our lives and we react to those decisions. We don't have this big chance to accurately reflect on what lays before us and decide if this is how we want our lives to be. Our lives happen and we live them; rarely do we see before us the paths to choose or not to choose and what our lives could become. That's not to say we're not happy with what we have, perhaps we are and perhaps we're not. I'm more saying that most of the time, I think we make decisions or have decisions made for us by fate or those we know but we don't see or think about the consequences of those decisions or how they decide our futures, because maybe those decisions seem small or maybe we don't have a choice in them, so why even contemplate what doesn't give you a choice?
A few months ago I was talking to a friend and I was saying how I felt that my life would significantly change in a few years and I had this feeling that like now was the time to do whatever I wanted, as if my freedom would be diminished within a few years. I felt the figurative walls of life closing in on me already, even though my life is so open now and nothing is really hindering me. But when I think of what my life could be in a few years, I don't want any of it. I don't want the path I see before me.
I visited my old neighbor in Napoli years ago when I was in college. He was retired but looking for something fun and entrepreneurial to do since he had the time and the energy. He wanted to do something with young people to feel alive and live vicariously through their youth and energy. He had this nice apartment with a great view and he had this one room, an extra room, but it was basically filled almost to the ceiling with stuff. I just felt...so sad...and empty...looking at all that stuff. He told me how he could have married this one woman back in the day and that now she was married with all these kids and that could have been him. I could tell he was looking back on it, reflecting, and wondering if he had made the right decision. I remember him saying that he was happy with his life and that he felt he had made the right choice. But I remember thinking that there was something missing there...something empty and hollow in that room that was filled but held nothing.
I think of material possessions and money (after basic needs are met) as distractions. I think that memories, knowledge, and experiences are what gives lives value. It's the bonds we have with each other and the things we know, the kindnesses we give (though sometimes we don't give them, myself included), that matter the most. I don't want the predictable life that I see everyone having here and except for rare moments, I've never wanted that life. But I also don't want a room filled with stuff. I guess in the end, I don't want an empty life but I don't want a life filled with what most people fill it with. So I see those paths and I wander somewhere astray.
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