I was folding shirts with my coworkers and one of them jokingly said something about being able to meet anyone living or dead and who would you choose. Most people say relatives who have died or someone famous, living or dead, like John Lennon. I used to say Buddha. But it was only a joking question and not serious. But I thought and said I would like to meet me from the future the day before I died to see what advice future me would give me (hahahaha it's like Jason Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis, right? From the movie or like Terminator. Or like The Time Traveler's Wife parts, too). Besides the obvious and shallow, like future me should have come back and told me my first summer after college that I shouldn't dye my hair red because yea that was bad, I wonder what future me would tell me? What would we tell our old selves if we had the chance to go back and see ourselves ten years ago? If we had the wisdom we have now, if we had it then, ten or fifteen or however many years ago, what could we tell ourselves?
Can we even try to imagine our future selves and what they would say to us? Can we attempt to appropriate future versions of who we are or our own possible sagacity?
Part of this thinking comes from meeting so many new people, lots of whom are younger. I can see a lot of uncertainty and lack of confidence and also a want to be accepted from them. As you get older and more comfortable, it's no longer quite so important that you get people to like you as weeding out and discerning the people you like for what they actually are. But when we're younger, generally we're more open and malleable in our personalities, not out of any sense of legerdemain or intentional manipulation, but out of a general desire to be liked. But once we have met many people or have become more solid in who we are, what we like, what we can deal with in others, etc, it's not so important that people like us. The desire fades and we just become our natural selves. Which is probably why I like young kids and old people so much: neither group tends to care whether or not their personalities are pleasing to you. They are just who they are and if you like them for that then great and if not, well it doesn't matter to them pretty much.
I think people also become this sort of template where you have personality types. You can meet people and hang out with them for a bit and already discern who is the worrier, the leader, the jokester, etc. Not that this oversimplified generalities are the essence of people because they're not. These are the superficial faces we show and categories we fit into because they are so comfortable for us and convenient in their social proscriptions. Who we are underneath these faces though, our complexities, our intricacies, our pasts that form our patterns today, those are really who we are and much more difficult to ascertain and, usually, if you get to those parts of other people, you can pretty much get along with anyone. If you understand someone or you see their real lives and backgrounds, it almost becomes impossible to not find a commonality with them or to not feel an affinity or rapport with them. Even if they act like terrible, you could dislike them for an action or what they do, but if you know about them and why they do it, it's hard to disregard them.
I feel like that happens a lot, where you meet someone at work or through friends and you can't stand that person or they're just this huge and terrible person to you who does things that set you off or you just get angry at, but if given multiple times to meet that person or to learn about them, you begin to understand them and yes, you hate what they do, but it becomes hard to just dislike the person entirely. Usually the people that are the meanest or do bad things are the people who dislike themselves the most and it's hard not to feel sympathy for a person who is struggling against themselves because that is a hard battle to see.
But, I digress. The faces we see, the roles we fall into, a lot of times we just see those from people and there are roles we don't generally prefer in others so we keep our distance from people who fall into those roles unless we need to be around them more for some reason. So as we get older, those templates of behavior or personality allow us to easily navigate social situations and we can easily identify who we would, presumably, get along with best. And these roles are derived and solidified with age. When we're younger, we are not so confident or know ourselves so well (in general) but with time we become more confident and the solid in ourselves. Hopefully, we become more wise. Who I am now is the same as who I was ten years ago, but I (think and hope) am much wiser than I was before. I can't change any of my past but it would be nice to be able to see the myriad playing outs of the different ways I could have made decisions and what would have happened from them. And I wonder what old me would tell me now - I would think something heartening and maybe that it would all be all right, but it will all be right anyway, because it has to be and it must be and even though right now or yesterday or tomorrow, even if they are far from all right, still in a certain way they are ok because this is how it is supposed to be and changing it would make it all wrong and incongruous with that your now should be, so hypothetically and in my own mixed up logic, everything at every moment is all right because it's how it should be and thus how it is.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Success & Failure
I read a line in an Isabelle Allende book about how success and failure were Western ideas or inventions, about how they don't really exist as per se. I quit the other day and one of my bosses told my students (asking my permission first if it was okay) and then told them to implore me to stay. One student (who I like a lot but don't generally think similarly to) told me I shouldn't quit because I move around too much and I should stick to one thing because it's a failure to quit. She was basically equating quitting with failure. This is the same student who also thinks I should get married and live probably a normal, "respectable" life. It's difficult because a lot of people I know think like this.
I don't think in terms of success and failure anymore. My greatest lessons, what I have learned the most from, have been the hardest things in my life, the struggles. I hated almost every minute of being in Wulinguyen, China, mostly because I was so sick and that shaded so much of my experience there. But it changed me forever and made me appreciate life in a whole different way. My friendships and relationships, the most difficult parts especially, have made me evaluate myself and be more aware of whom I am and how that affects others. I have learned so much from them. Success and good times are great, I'm not saying they aren't, and I hope they always exist for me. Of course I would prefer a life filled with more "successes" than "failures" but I find both terms problematic in that they create this ideas that the former is good and the latter is bad.
I kind of view failure as never learning or as doing the same things over again and not changing yourself or not doing something different. That's really the only way I ever see people as "failing." I don't think quitting a job or moving or changing something is failing. I think gaining new experiences and change are valuable. I would much rather have a life filled with new, different experiences that challenged me than one where I had one or two or even three long term jobs.
This student also kind of thinks similarly with relationships, that I should get married and have kids, you know, the old settle down routine. I'm not entirely against this but I'm not really for it either. I think relationships, almost all of them, are valuable. Sometimes they last and sometimes they don't. I think it's good to have long term ones, but I don't equate one major long term one as success and the lack of that as failure. Sometimes I want to want what everyone else wants, like I want to want to live the traditional life of marriage, family, and a stable singular job, but I really don't want it. I used to be annoyed at myself sometimes for not wanting these things and most people don't understand why I don't want them. I just accept it as it is at this point. I don't want to have these things because I can't think of something better to do or because I'm too scared to live the life I want to have. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with marriage, children, and a single stable job and if they happen for me then they do but if they don't then right now I am perfectly satisfied with them not happening.
I value experience and living out the ideas you want. Quality time in a life of your own design filled with however you want to spend your time, whether it be working, in a hammock on a beach, reading, writing, with friends, family, or whatever you want...I think it is all valid. I think if you can see what you want and you can go for it, whether you "succeed" or "fail" then that is valuable and that those two terms don't really exist. But living a life chained to those two terms and letting them decide your feelings or your way of life is ridiculous. Living a life conditioned by society and wanting things because you're told to want them as opposed to inherently wanting them, to me, is absurd or, probably more accurately, a lack of creative thought. If you really want them though, the things society tells you to want, then that's great. But if you're not sure what you want and you go after the things society tells you to want, then that might not end up fulfilling you. I think you should figure out what fulfills you or search for it, and that search in and of itself is valuable.
I don't think in terms of success and failure anymore. My greatest lessons, what I have learned the most from, have been the hardest things in my life, the struggles. I hated almost every minute of being in Wulinguyen, China, mostly because I was so sick and that shaded so much of my experience there. But it changed me forever and made me appreciate life in a whole different way. My friendships and relationships, the most difficult parts especially, have made me evaluate myself and be more aware of whom I am and how that affects others. I have learned so much from them. Success and good times are great, I'm not saying they aren't, and I hope they always exist for me. Of course I would prefer a life filled with more "successes" than "failures" but I find both terms problematic in that they create this ideas that the former is good and the latter is bad.
I kind of view failure as never learning or as doing the same things over again and not changing yourself or not doing something different. That's really the only way I ever see people as "failing." I don't think quitting a job or moving or changing something is failing. I think gaining new experiences and change are valuable. I would much rather have a life filled with new, different experiences that challenged me than one where I had one or two or even three long term jobs.
This student also kind of thinks similarly with relationships, that I should get married and have kids, you know, the old settle down routine. I'm not entirely against this but I'm not really for it either. I think relationships, almost all of them, are valuable. Sometimes they last and sometimes they don't. I think it's good to have long term ones, but I don't equate one major long term one as success and the lack of that as failure. Sometimes I want to want what everyone else wants, like I want to want to live the traditional life of marriage, family, and a stable singular job, but I really don't want it. I used to be annoyed at myself sometimes for not wanting these things and most people don't understand why I don't want them. I just accept it as it is at this point. I don't want to have these things because I can't think of something better to do or because I'm too scared to live the life I want to have. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with marriage, children, and a single stable job and if they happen for me then they do but if they don't then right now I am perfectly satisfied with them not happening.
I value experience and living out the ideas you want. Quality time in a life of your own design filled with however you want to spend your time, whether it be working, in a hammock on a beach, reading, writing, with friends, family, or whatever you want...I think it is all valid. I think if you can see what you want and you can go for it, whether you "succeed" or "fail" then that is valuable and that those two terms don't really exist. But living a life chained to those two terms and letting them decide your feelings or your way of life is ridiculous. Living a life conditioned by society and wanting things because you're told to want them as opposed to inherently wanting them, to me, is absurd or, probably more accurately, a lack of creative thought. If you really want them though, the things society tells you to want, then that's great. But if you're not sure what you want and you go after the things society tells you to want, then that might not end up fulfilling you. I think you should figure out what fulfills you or search for it, and that search in and of itself is valuable.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Watches & How Not To Be Alone
I got a new Shark watch. These things are awesome. Yea, I know, no one has a watch because we all have cellphones, but I felt uber hypocritical telling my students no cellphones in class (which they don't listen to me about anyway...) and yet looking at my cellphone all the time to check the time. Alas, I have a new watch. I feel so 1990s.
Great article by a great author: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/how-not-to-be-alone.html?src=me&ref=general&_r=0
Is technology taking us away from traditional social interaction? This debate has gone on ad nauseam it seems (or maybe I've just slayed myself with redundancy by asking this question millions of times in my classes - oh hyperbole!). Yes, of course technology keeps us "alone" - it gives us a place to hide when needed, social interaction in a non-traditional way, mental stimulation, and (questionable) knowledge. I was telling my students about the phone game whereby when you go to dinner with friends or family or random passers-by (hey it could happen) and everyone puts their cellphones in the middle of the table. The first person to reach for his or her cellphone has to pay for everyone's dinner. It's such a good idea (but I also thought my idea of "Carlo Rossi Sangri Hands" as a replacement for Edward Forty Hands was a good idea so maybe we shouldn't trust my judgment). I think technology is just another way form of instant gratification (unless something is wrong with a device and then it becomes instant frustration).
That was my ramble and I'm sticking to it.
Great article by a great author: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/how-not-to-be-alone.html?src=me&ref=general&_r=0
Is technology taking us away from traditional social interaction? This debate has gone on ad nauseam it seems (or maybe I've just slayed myself with redundancy by asking this question millions of times in my classes - oh hyperbole!). Yes, of course technology keeps us "alone" - it gives us a place to hide when needed, social interaction in a non-traditional way, mental stimulation, and (questionable) knowledge. I was telling my students about the phone game whereby when you go to dinner with friends or family or random passers-by (hey it could happen) and everyone puts their cellphones in the middle of the table. The first person to reach for his or her cellphone has to pay for everyone's dinner. It's such a good idea (but I also thought my idea of "Carlo Rossi Sangri Hands" as a replacement for Edward Forty Hands was a good idea so maybe we shouldn't trust my judgment). I think technology is just another way form of instant gratification (unless something is wrong with a device and then it becomes instant frustration).
That was my ramble and I'm sticking to it.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Somewhere Astray
I was thinking the other day how most of the time we can't see the paths laid out before us. Like much of our lives comes from decisions we don't choose. Some decisions are ours, like we can choose whether or not we go to college and where we go, what we eat for dinner, where we vacation, but even some of that is beyond us. Maybe we don't get into the college we wanted or maybe our budget limits where we go on vacation or even whether we can even go to college. Many of our decisions are decided or at least constrained by fate. Sometimes our decisions are framed by others, by family, friends, partners, etc.; what they decide affects us also. Most of the years up until we are eighteen are framed by large decisions not completely our own.
I was thinking this because right now I can see how things would be if I went a certain way in my life; I can see what my life will become. And I think that's weird and it's rare because most of the time we don't really actively get to see and decide upon our live paths, we just make decisions and have decisions in our lives made for us by whatever makes up the universe and by those in our lives and we react to those decisions. We don't have this big chance to accurately reflect on what lays before us and decide if this is how we want our lives to be. Our lives happen and we live them; rarely do we see before us the paths to choose or not to choose and what our lives could become. That's not to say we're not happy with what we have, perhaps we are and perhaps we're not. I'm more saying that most of the time, I think we make decisions or have decisions made for us by fate or those we know but we don't see or think about the consequences of those decisions or how they decide our futures, because maybe those decisions seem small or maybe we don't have a choice in them, so why even contemplate what doesn't give you a choice?
A few months ago I was talking to a friend and I was saying how I felt that my life would significantly change in a few years and I had this feeling that like now was the time to do whatever I wanted, as if my freedom would be diminished within a few years. I felt the figurative walls of life closing in on me already, even though my life is so open now and nothing is really hindering me. But when I think of what my life could be in a few years, I don't want any of it. I don't want the path I see before me.
I visited my old neighbor in Napoli years ago when I was in college. He was retired but looking for something fun and entrepreneurial to do since he had the time and the energy. He wanted to do something with young people to feel alive and live vicariously through their youth and energy. He had this nice apartment with a great view and he had this one room, an extra room, but it was basically filled almost to the ceiling with stuff. I just felt...so sad...and empty...looking at all that stuff. He told me how he could have married this one woman back in the day and that now she was married with all these kids and that could have been him. I could tell he was looking back on it, reflecting, and wondering if he had made the right decision. I remember him saying that he was happy with his life and that he felt he had made the right choice. But I remember thinking that there was something missing there...something empty and hollow in that room that was filled but held nothing.
I think of material possessions and money (after basic needs are met) as distractions. I think that memories, knowledge, and experiences are what gives lives value. It's the bonds we have with each other and the things we know, the kindnesses we give (though sometimes we don't give them, myself included), that matter the most. I don't want the predictable life that I see everyone having here and except for rare moments, I've never wanted that life. But I also don't want a room filled with stuff. I guess in the end, I don't want an empty life but I don't want a life filled with what most people fill it with. So I see those paths and I wander somewhere astray.
I was thinking this because right now I can see how things would be if I went a certain way in my life; I can see what my life will become. And I think that's weird and it's rare because most of the time we don't really actively get to see and decide upon our live paths, we just make decisions and have decisions in our lives made for us by whatever makes up the universe and by those in our lives and we react to those decisions. We don't have this big chance to accurately reflect on what lays before us and decide if this is how we want our lives to be. Our lives happen and we live them; rarely do we see before us the paths to choose or not to choose and what our lives could become. That's not to say we're not happy with what we have, perhaps we are and perhaps we're not. I'm more saying that most of the time, I think we make decisions or have decisions made for us by fate or those we know but we don't see or think about the consequences of those decisions or how they decide our futures, because maybe those decisions seem small or maybe we don't have a choice in them, so why even contemplate what doesn't give you a choice?
A few months ago I was talking to a friend and I was saying how I felt that my life would significantly change in a few years and I had this feeling that like now was the time to do whatever I wanted, as if my freedom would be diminished within a few years. I felt the figurative walls of life closing in on me already, even though my life is so open now and nothing is really hindering me. But when I think of what my life could be in a few years, I don't want any of it. I don't want the path I see before me.
I visited my old neighbor in Napoli years ago when I was in college. He was retired but looking for something fun and entrepreneurial to do since he had the time and the energy. He wanted to do something with young people to feel alive and live vicariously through their youth and energy. He had this nice apartment with a great view and he had this one room, an extra room, but it was basically filled almost to the ceiling with stuff. I just felt...so sad...and empty...looking at all that stuff. He told me how he could have married this one woman back in the day and that now she was married with all these kids and that could have been him. I could tell he was looking back on it, reflecting, and wondering if he had made the right decision. I remember him saying that he was happy with his life and that he felt he had made the right choice. But I remember thinking that there was something missing there...something empty and hollow in that room that was filled but held nothing.
I think of material possessions and money (after basic needs are met) as distractions. I think that memories, knowledge, and experiences are what gives lives value. It's the bonds we have with each other and the things we know, the kindnesses we give (though sometimes we don't give them, myself included), that matter the most. I don't want the predictable life that I see everyone having here and except for rare moments, I've never wanted that life. But I also don't want a room filled with stuff. I guess in the end, I don't want an empty life but I don't want a life filled with what most people fill it with. So I see those paths and I wander somewhere astray.
Friday, May 24, 2013
It's the Little Things...
I thought I'd write about the small things that make me happy so that if I'm ever down, I can look here and maybe a smile will peak its way out. So the obvious things like family, friends, travel, etc, they can't be on this list because they're big parts of my life that make me happy. I want to write about the small things, maybe the things that we sometimes forget, that make me happy.
1. When I think something to myself and inadvertently smile. (I guess making yourself happy is a bit narcissistic but meh...Sometimes I'm walking and I think something ridiculous and I say to myself, "Katie, that's stupid." And I giggle)
2. A smile from a stranger. Ha, I know this is trite. And I don't mean those lewd smiles gentlemen give you because that is gross. The other week I was at CVS and this kid in a stroller (who I daresay was too big to be in a stroller, but not my bidness) was throwing a mini-tantrum while his mom or grandma (can't tell age and relation to small child) was getting ready to pay and she wasn't paying him any mind so he looked at me and I looked at him and our eyes locked for a few minutes and he smiled and pointed to something. Then he said something to me in kid language and I smiled back. Then his mom had paid and he left.
3. Perfect grammar on a paper a student hands in. I know this world is populated with "u"s and "tmw"s and whatnot, but I'm your English teacher and you're writing something for class, not a text. I like those papers that have good grammar. Ha, incidentally, I don't mind wanna and gonna in texts but I loathe "u"s...don't know why. My mom is also a waaaaay cooler texter than I am. Speaking of...
4. Mom texts make me happy.
5. When the subway comes right as you show up on the platform.
6. Ha - when the G line comes within 5 minutes on the weekend or at night (I don't think this ever really happens though)
7. Finding a dress under $20 that I really like (ok, fine, it's superficial. Stop judging)
8. the smell of coffee from Cafe Grumpy when I open the bag of ground coffee to spoon some into my coffee press mug
9. when someone apologizes for being late and actually means it
10. cute little figurines like this: http://www.kidrobot.com/ShopAll/DesignerToys/MiniFigures/PostApocalypseDunnySeries3Inch.html
11. a well-placed witty and cutting retort. Really only my sister can do this on a regular basis. Everyone else in my immediate family can but not with the same alacrity.
12. Vegan, gluten-free coconut chocolate cupcakes with frosting a la Cerissa.
13. Making another person food and then they eat everything that I cooked because it was either really good or they were just that hungry.
14. Sometimes, not so much though, there is a really quiet moment either really early in the day or in the afternoon, where everyone seems to have not woken up yet or everyone is taking like a midday siesta, either mentally or literally, and it's just a perfect calm, tranquil moment or two. I used to get this almost every workday when I would walk to Cafe Grumpy before work to get a macchiato or a latte but then I stopped waking up early so that doesn't really happen anymore. But it was super nice when it did.
1. When I think something to myself and inadvertently smile. (I guess making yourself happy is a bit narcissistic but meh...Sometimes I'm walking and I think something ridiculous and I say to myself, "Katie, that's stupid." And I giggle)
2. A smile from a stranger. Ha, I know this is trite. And I don't mean those lewd smiles gentlemen give you because that is gross. The other week I was at CVS and this kid in a stroller (who I daresay was too big to be in a stroller, but not my bidness) was throwing a mini-tantrum while his mom or grandma (can't tell age and relation to small child) was getting ready to pay and she wasn't paying him any mind so he looked at me and I looked at him and our eyes locked for a few minutes and he smiled and pointed to something. Then he said something to me in kid language and I smiled back. Then his mom had paid and he left.
3. Perfect grammar on a paper a student hands in. I know this world is populated with "u"s and "tmw"s and whatnot, but I'm your English teacher and you're writing something for class, not a text. I like those papers that have good grammar. Ha, incidentally, I don't mind wanna and gonna in texts but I loathe "u"s...don't know why. My mom is also a waaaaay cooler texter than I am. Speaking of...
4. Mom texts make me happy.
5. When the subway comes right as you show up on the platform.
6. Ha - when the G line comes within 5 minutes on the weekend or at night (I don't think this ever really happens though)
7. Finding a dress under $20 that I really like (ok, fine, it's superficial. Stop judging)
8. the smell of coffee from Cafe Grumpy when I open the bag of ground coffee to spoon some into my coffee press mug
9. when someone apologizes for being late and actually means it
10. cute little figurines like this: http://www.kidrobot.com/ShopAll/DesignerToys/MiniFigures/PostApocalypseDunnySeries3Inch.html
11. a well-placed witty and cutting retort. Really only my sister can do this on a regular basis. Everyone else in my immediate family can but not with the same alacrity.
12. Vegan, gluten-free coconut chocolate cupcakes with frosting a la Cerissa.
13. Making another person food and then they eat everything that I cooked because it was either really good or they were just that hungry.
14. Sometimes, not so much though, there is a really quiet moment either really early in the day or in the afternoon, where everyone seems to have not woken up yet or everyone is taking like a midday siesta, either mentally or literally, and it's just a perfect calm, tranquil moment or two. I used to get this almost every workday when I would walk to Cafe Grumpy before work to get a macchiato or a latte but then I stopped waking up early so that doesn't really happen anymore. But it was super nice when it did.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Economics & Life Cycles
Finally alive after about two months of workdeath. Life is a continuous flow of ups and downs, no? It's funny because tonight in class I was substituting and I'm having students in both of my classes (and also the class I subbed tonight) do this project in groups or pairs where they research an American historical event and present it to the class. One group in the morning class and one group in the evening class did the Great Depression. One question from a class member after the group presented on the Great Depression was if it was similar to the recession we are in now and so I had to explain how economies go through ups and downs and are cyclical just like life. Everything has it's moments of goodness and ease and it's contrary hardships and sacrifices. Can we say austerity? Not a good plan...hello Latin America...and what is it Italy now doing economic austerity, too? Idk...I stopped studying politics years ago and now hide under mounds of fiction. Ok, but my point being that even economists who go to school for years upon years and get paid (I think) decently can't accurately predict the cycles so I guess we shouldn't be disheartened that we can't predict our own happiness-sadness cycles in life. Plus, watching the documentary Happy, it said that studies show that people are actually happier during and/ or after times of adversity. I guess difficulties give us a sense of what we really have and we appreciate our lives more when things are tough. When you lose something or possibly could lose it, you see the value it holds for you. Well, maybe you do anyway...my life is nothing but maybe.
During class, I rubbed my eye and I caught an eyelash on my finger. And you know how when you get an eyelash, you should make a wish and blow it away...Usually I just wish for contentment or tranquility or for the happiness of someone I care about. I know, I know, not very original. But tonight, I just wished to want nothing. It would be so nice to just want to have or think of or have hope for nothing. Life would be simpler then, no? Ha, but the irony of wishing for nothing (basically wanting to not want or wishing to not wish) still stands before me. Life you win again. Oh, how you always win...Or maybe no one wins...and no one loses...one just lives.
I might, shockingly, have a few days off soon.
I think our expectations just might ruin us. I'm not going to qualify that statement. Just going to leave it out there like a waving flag on fire and see what happens.
During class, I rubbed my eye and I caught an eyelash on my finger. And you know how when you get an eyelash, you should make a wish and blow it away...Usually I just wish for contentment or tranquility or for the happiness of someone I care about. I know, I know, not very original. But tonight, I just wished to want nothing. It would be so nice to just want to have or think of or have hope for nothing. Life would be simpler then, no? Ha, but the irony of wishing for nothing (basically wanting to not want or wishing to not wish) still stands before me. Life you win again. Oh, how you always win...Or maybe no one wins...and no one loses...one just lives.
I might, shockingly, have a few days off soon.
I think our expectations just might ruin us. I'm not going to qualify that statement. Just going to leave it out there like a waving flag on fire and see what happens.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Mission: Impossible
Sometimes I feel like the oldest person in the universe who knows absolutely nothing about anything. But I don't say this in a defeated way, more in a musing and amused sort of manner.
My body is completely rebelling against me - I won't lament. What's the point? There are ups and downs in everything. Now is just a down. And hey, even if the ups never come back and my injuries never heal, well then that's ok, too.
I have a weird relationship with time. I feel like most of us do because it's so difficult to comprehend. Some days fly past as if in a race and some days go so slow it's like the last part of molasses being poured out of the jar. But, numerically and minute-wise, they're the same. It just doesn't make any sense. I have a weird relationship with change, too. Sometimes I want to embrace it and I love when routine is destroyed, vanquished by something fresh and seemingly spontaneous. But then, contrapuntally, change can seem a danger, a hazard to my carefully constructed haven of a world. It's difficult sometimes, to reconcile it all. To understand it, well, sometimes that just seems impossible.
My body is completely rebelling against me - I won't lament. What's the point? There are ups and downs in everything. Now is just a down. And hey, even if the ups never come back and my injuries never heal, well then that's ok, too.
I have a weird relationship with time. I feel like most of us do because it's so difficult to comprehend. Some days fly past as if in a race and some days go so slow it's like the last part of molasses being poured out of the jar. But, numerically and minute-wise, they're the same. It just doesn't make any sense. I have a weird relationship with change, too. Sometimes I want to embrace it and I love when routine is destroyed, vanquished by something fresh and seemingly spontaneous. But then, contrapuntally, change can seem a danger, a hazard to my carefully constructed haven of a world. It's difficult sometimes, to reconcile it all. To understand it, well, sometimes that just seems impossible.
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